A number of people have asked me why I like and share just about everything Wondherful (Heather Palacios, http://www.wondherful.com) posts on social media. Here is my why. . .
Early in my life I was involved in drugs, including alcohol. No doubt, permanent damaged occurred physical and emotional. I saw a lot of death, and not a small part of it the result of suicide.
Some have heard my testimony about the night I came to Christ and faith and was saved by his marvelous grace. I had just driven the family car over an embankment with the hope of ending my life—the problem—my wife and almost two year old child were in the car with me. I abandoned them on the side of the road (thankfully Debbie was able to get the car going and drive home about 20 minutes away) and began to walk aimlessly until I arrived at a bridge overlooking a dam and a gorge about 100 feet below me. This was my first time coming close to killing myself.
I stood at the edge of the bridge, reviewed my life—it didn’t take long—and decided the pain and anguish of life wasn’t worth the effort. I was all alone. Or so I thought. In the midst of the confusion and chaos going on in my head, Holy Spirit showed up in power. I already knew he was working on me because that awful scene with the car was because I was under such great conviction for being lost and refusing God.
At the end of my proverbial rope, and with no knot at the end, I was quickly slipping toward the “jump.” And then it happened. God drew me to himself, showed me in a split second my lostness and need. My response, thank God, was to repent and believe. I expressed my sorrow for my sinfulness to God the best I could, and in my spirit cried out to God to save me. He did! But that’s not the end of the story.
Less than 3 years later, while pastoring a small church in East Tennessee, I was faced with what I thought was an unbearable situation because some of the leadership in the church had turned against me. I was young and stupid, they were old and stupid. One warm spring morning, I left the loft of our beautiful log house, walked out to the workbench in the garage, and laid down my Smith and Wesson 38 revolver in front of me. I stared at it for what seemed an eternity and decided it would be better for everyone if I rid the world of myself. Once again, I was all alone. Or so I thought. Debbie sensed my pain, discovered were I was and what I was contemplating, and after some well deserved yelling on her part, I came to my senses. The really scary part of this episode is that I was a pastor. Green yes, but saved and secure. Why had I done this.
Many years later, after my first stint at seminary, witnessing fear in the eyes and words of some of the students who were much younger than me, and listening to their own stories of loneliness, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Every person I’ve ever talked to about suicide who, thank God, did not take their own life, have something in common. We felt all alone. I guess it is like being in a room full of people thinking every one of them is looking at you. You don’t hear anything, you can’t feel much, and even though the room is full you feel alone.
I have news for you. You are not alone. I am here. Heather is here. Others who care about you deeply are here. And we are not going anywhere. Reach out to me, reach out to a friend, reach out to Heather, your pastor, someone. But please, do not give up on yourself. Your life is too important to someone else for you to leave them.
I have a P.S.. You are probably still wondering how I know Heather Palacios. Her husband, Raul, is a pastor at Church by the Glades in Coral Springs, FL. My son was on staff at that church several years ago. Debbie and I had the joy of visiting with the Palacios family in their home. Frankly, I’ve never gotten over that brief visit. They are as real as Christians come. That’s why I share over and over.
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